By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Santa Claus was in shopping malls nationwide Sunday asking kids what they want for Christmas. It’s an important ritual in America to take kids to see Santa at the mall. It trains them to believe campaign promises when they’re old enough to vote.
The Mitchell Report on Thursday named eighty-five players who used performance-enhancing drugs. No one is sure how far steroid use has spread. As soon as Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte began playing in Houston, oil prices started breaking records.
The NFL said Sunday it destroyed New England’s illegally-made videotape of New York Jets signals, just like the CIA destroyed its incriminating tapes. Of course, there is no comparison between the CIA and the Patriots. The Patriots are undefeated.
Charlie Wilson’s War is a true story of a U.S. congressman who secretly funneled millions of taxpayer dollars to save Afghanistan from the Soviets thirty years ago. What a waste. If we’d known then what we know now, we could have let the Russians keep Afghanistan, thrown in Iraq, and we would have won the Cold War ten years earlier.
Tony Blair was showcased in a starring role in the White House Christmas video Friday. Things are a lot more relaxed when he’s around the house. Tony Blair knows the exact spot on the forehead where to pet the Bushes to prevent them from attacking.
The Weather Channel showed snow and ice and cold temperatures blanketing a lot of America Monday. It caused confusion. There was momentary euphoria at Democratic headquarters when the USA Today weather map showed that there are now forty-nine blue states.
Mitt Romney cried on Meet the Press Sunday while describing the night he heard on the radio that the Mormon Church lifted its ban on black priests. The tears really flowed. It was his favorite radio and he should have counted to ten before he shot it.
Ron Paul supporters raised millions on the anniversary of the Boston Tea Party Sunday. He’s running on a promise to follow the Constitution. Mike Huckabee just asked the New York Times if Constitutionalists think Jesus and the Devil are brothers.
GOP candidate Ron Paul set a new one-day fundraising record on Sunday. He wants to do everything the way the Founding Fathers did. They wore perfumed wigs, satin pants and high-heel pumps, but they didn’t have Larry Craig sitting in the next stall.
John Edwards spent Sunday in Iowa pitching his universal health plan. His plan could make a difference. It turns out all the king’s horses and all the king’s men could have put Humpty together again, but the procedure wasn’t covered by his insurance.
Hillary Clinton’s campaign chartered a helicopter Sunday so she can fly around the state of Iowa and shake hands with the voters for five days. Her aides have dubbed it the Hill-O-Copter. Pretending to be Irish has always worked for her husband.
Barack Obama attended church in Mason City on Sunday at the First Congregational Church. This is the denomination of the Puritan settlers who landed in America. He is doing absolutely everything he can to distance himself from these drug allegations.
Congressman Pete Hoekstra vowed Sunday that the House Intelligence Committee will investigate the CIA’s destruction of tapes. He knows how terrifying it can be to have water pouring over your face until you think you’re drowning. He was born in the Netherlands.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 12.18.07