By: Argus Hamilton
BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Mitchell Report was released Thursday, listing the Major League Baseball players who used steroids. The drugs don’t always work. A golfer injected steroids into his golf ball to make it fly farther and an hour later he was trying to putt a basketball into the cup.
Sen. George Mitchell’s report Thursday accused Major League ballplayers of masking their use of human growth hormone. It’s his goal to find a urine test to detect it. From now on, Larry Craig won’t be the only senator bothering everyone in the men’s room.
New York Yankees star pitchers Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte headlined a list of eighty-six ballplayers named in the Mitchell Report Thursday. Only one player was willing to comment for the record. Sammy Sosa insisted he didn’t take any stereos.
New Jersey’s assembly voted Thursday to repeal the state’s death penalty. This could change everything. From now on if someone in New Jersey says they’re going to take you for a little drive, they’re actually going to take you for a little drive.
Karen Hughes left the State Department on Thursday after working for two years to improve America’s image in the Arab world. She made some progress. Right now Uncle Sam is only slightly less popular than editorial cartoons of the Prophet Muhammed.
President Bush threatened Syria for interfering in Lebanon Thursday. He’s down to Plan B. After it turned out that Iran had no nuclear weapons program, he’s been forced to shop around for something else to give the defense contractors for Christmas.
The Weather Channel said snowstorms hit New Hampshire Thursday. It’s a campaign issue. John Edwards blamed it on rich people who want to ski, Hillary didn’t recall seeding the clouds, and Barack Obama denied that Snowplow was his nickname in college.
Democratic candidates held a debate in Iowa on Thursday. The biggest applause came when Chelsea Clinton walked into the room before the debate started. She won the Nobel Peace Prize eight years ago for keeping her parents from killing each other.
Hillary Clinton fired a campaign staffer last week for bringing up Barack Obama’s admission of past cocaine use. It’s politics. You have to support ethanol subsidies whenever you’re in Iowa, dairy price supports in Wisconsin and cocaine use in Florida.
Hillary Clinton vowed to bring U.S. troops home from Iraq during the Iowa Democratic debate Thursday. She’s trying to reverse her decline in the polls. If firefighters could slide down poles as fast as Hillary Clinton has, Malibu might still be standing.
Mike Huckabee came under fire last week over women’s rights. He signed onto the Southern Baptist Convention statement that women should submit graciously to their husbands. Mormons, on the other hand, believe there should be a catfight over the guy.
Mike Huckabee apologized to Mitt Romney for asking out loud if Mormons believe Jesus and Satan are brothers. This election has become a battle to define religion. An atheist is anybody who watches Brigham Young play Baylor and doesn’t care who wins.
Al Gore spoke at the U.N. climate conference in Bali Friday, where he scolded the U.S. for lack of concern over global warming. Republicans have a nickname for people who are worried about the threat that winter is disappearing. They call them non-golfers.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.17.07