By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The White House released President Bush’s list of holiday pardons Tuesday. The president pardoned carjackers and moonshiners and cocaine dealers and marijuana growers. He does whatever it takes to make sure the NFL can field twenty-eight teams.
President Bush hosted a White House party Tuesday honoring teenagers who have given up drugs. Halfway through the event an Arab walked into the room. He had been in the kitchen freezer for months and he must have thawed out during the power outage.
Oklahoma City lost its electricity in a nationwide ice storm Tuesday. Emergency power workers arrived from Mississippi to turn it back on. They were supposed to be restoring power to New Orleans but they don’t want to get shot this close to Christmas.
Iowa presidential candidates canceled all events Tuesday due to the below-zero temperatures. It fulfilled one prophecy. A month ago everyone said Mike Huckabee would have to walk across the Mississippi River in order to beat Mitt Romney in Iowa.
Mike Huckabee angered Mormons Tuesday when he told the New York Times he thinks Mormons believe Jesus and Satan are brothers. He should lay off complex theological questions. It’s hard enough for Americans to believe that George and Jeb are brothers.
Senator Teddy Kennedy just signed the richest publishing deal in history to write his autobiography and have it ready for release in two years. The book itself could save lives. In case of an emergency it can be used as a flotation device.
Michael Vick’s agent Leigh Steinberg expressed hope Tuesday that Mike Vick can return to the NFL after prison. The agent also represents Ricky Williams. Only the American voter can claim to have a worse record judging character than Leigh Steinberg.
The National Finals Rodeo is going on this week in Las Vegas, where a new World Champion All-Around Cowboy will be crowned. The competition involves bull riding and calf roping and all cowboy skills. It’s like a job fair at the State Department.
President Bush met with the president of Italy Tuesday two days after meeting with the leader of Northern Ireland and a week after meeting with Israeli leaders. No one knows why he attacked Iraq or what he’s got against Iran, but every country that starts with an I has been dropping off gifts at the White House this Christmas.
Philadelphia Airport topped a new survey Monday of the best airports for people looking to hook up romantically. It’s also the worst airport for on-time take-offs. If it weren’t for flight delays and airport hotels, workaholics would never reproduce.
Jack Nicholson told an interviewer Monday he may have sired over nine thousand children due to his lecherous lifestyle in the last fifty years. It’s not that big a deal. He only hears from them when the Lakers are winning and they all want tickets.
Hillary Clinton and Warren Buffett discussed economic inequality in America on Tuesday. He’s worth fifty billion dollars and he’s worried about income inequality. Warren Buffett can’t go to sleep every night knowing Bill Gates could buy and sell him.
Ex-CIA agent John Kiriakou told ABC News on Monday he knew al-Qaeda leader Abu Zubaydah was waterboarded. He said it was okayed at the highest level of the Bush administration. That’s so ridiculous, Jesus would never approve of waterboarding.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 12.13.07