By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Al Gore accepted the Nobel Peace Prize on Monday at a glittering international ceremony in Oslo. His deep voice and slow delivery and polite tone nearly put the crowd to sleep. It made comedians realize how close we came to disaster seven years ago.
The Weather Channel reported Monday that ice storms cut power lines and closed schools in the Midwest. Ice was an inch thick on the roads. It was so cold in Iowa that people were showing up at Mike Huckabee rallies just for the fire and brimstone.
Mike Huckabee leaped into the lead for the GOP nomination in Monday’s national polls. The Baptist minister is standing tall after months of being stuck in the mud. Mike Huckabee is starting to think there may be something to evolution after all.
Newt Gingrich told ABC News Sunday that he would run for vice president if the GOP nominee asked him. Newt Gingrich would be a perfect running mate for Rudy Giuliani. Between the two of them, they would be just sixty wives behind King Solomon.
Bill Clinton told Iowa voters he was so impressed with Hillary when they dated that he told her she should dump him and go home and run for office herself. You can bet she impressed him. He still has the impression in his forehead where the lamp hit him.
Germany tried to ban Scientology Monday, calling the group a religious cult and not a religion. Scientologists believe every human is inhabited by a space alien. It allowed Mitt Romney to present himself as the middle way between Mike Huckabee and Tom Cruise.
Michael Vick was sentenced Monday to two years in jail for arranging dogfights at his home. He was forced to wear his black and white striped prison shirt in court. Animal rights protesters took one look at him and called for a boycott of Foot Locker.
Las Vegas announced Monday it will build a museum to honor the gangsters who built the Las Vegas Strip. The museum will document all the crime families who got rich building palaces in the desert. They’re all Italians except for the Halliburtons.
President Bush held a Hanukkah ceremony in the White House Monday where he lit candles on a menorah. You could see the flickering lights in the windows. And that was just in Dick Cheney’s office where he was burning the rest of the CIA tapes.
White House lawyers told White House press secretary Dana Perino not to answer any more questions about CIA interrogation tapes. One question was answered. Now we know why the newly redesigned White House press room is named after Stonewall Jackson.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull starring Harrison Ford was given a May release date by the studio Monday. The hero still carries a bullwhip. That’s so he can travel through Saudi Arabia on Girls Night Out without being noticed.
Saudi King Abdullah gave Dick Cheney a fur-lined cashmere coat and a gold sword with a diamond-studded hilt last year. They’re natural friends. One guy controls the largest known reserves of oil in the world, while the other guy runs a desert kingdom.
The New York Philharmonic Orchestra agreed on Monday to perform in North Korea with the blessing of the State Department. No one knows what to expect from this audience. They could stage a food riot the moment they smell the popcorn in the lobby.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 12.12.07