By: Argus hamilton
OKLAHOMA CITY — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Bush phoned Pakis-tani dictator Pervez Musharraf Sunday to discuss the democracy crackdown. They had a good talk. Pervez Musharraf persuaded President Bush to ease up on the crackdown and allow next year’s election to go forward as scheduled.
The Writers Guild strike began its second week in Hollywood Monday. The demands are really silly. The writers say they want a share of all the money that’s made on the Internet when it’s pretty obvious that those porno movies don’t have scripts.
Orange County cops arrested a man Monday believed to be the Hot Tub Rapist. He holds women’s heads underwater in a hot tub while he sexually assaults them. Nobody thought about where these CIA freelancers would go after they left government service.
President Bush declared in a speech Sunday that America’s enemies are planning another more deadly strike. The voters are split on the issue. Half the country wants to die from a terror attack and the other half wants to drown in a rising ocean.
The London Sunday Times reported that Michael Jordan is set to pay his wife one hundred and sixty-eight million dollars for his divorce. The NBA commissioner took notice. Starting this January, the league’s ban on gambling will include marriage.
The White House praised Pakistan as an ally in the War on Terror Monday even though al-Qaeda is hiding there. The idea that we can’t find Osama bin Laden is ridiculous. Jessica Alba can’t sunbathe nude in her backyard because Google Earth knows where she lives and the NSA can’t see the catering truck pull up to Osama’s cave every day at lunch time?
Pakistan’s Benazir Bhutto was put under house arrest Monday. She was surrounded by hundreds of burly men wielding submachine guns. The first thing she did was pick up the phone and tell the Des Moines Register that the boys are ganging up on her.
CNN’s Wolf Blitzer will moderate tonight’s Democratic presidential debate held in Las Vegas. He was the only choice to referee as seven guys prepare to take on Hillary. After covering two wars in the last sixteen years pitting international coalitions against Iraq, Wolf Blitzer is journalism’s leading expert on unfair fights.
Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue asked lawmakers and ministers to join him at the state Capitol Tuesday to pray for rain. They weren’t his first choice. He called them only after the Cherokees refused to come back home from eastern Oklahoma for one dance.
The Justice Department prepared to release crack cocaine prisoners Monday. The release will be in gradual stages. California convicts must be retrained to snort the powder instead of smoking it to conform to the state’s Smokey the Bear regulations.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi flew to San Francisco Monday to see the oil spill damage. She got a chilly reception from the locals. The seals stopped clapping the moment they saw her and demanded to know why impeachment’s off the table.
Pope Benedict revealed Monday he will make a brief trip to the U.S. in April. He is going to celebrate Mass at Yankee Stadium. This is what George Steinbrenner has to do to fill up the stadium with Joe Torre and Alex Rodriguez headed for Los Angeles.
Grover Norquist called for a constitutional amendment banning family members from succeeding each other as president. Hillary is unaffected because there’s a Bush between her and Bill and Jeb isn’t affected because there’ll be a Clinton between W. and him. As long as the ruling families continue to alternate, the amendment would never come into play.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.15.07