By: Argus hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
General Pervez Musharraf jailed all opponents in Pakistan Tuesday. He has WMDs and harbors al-Qaeda and has U.S. backing. Someday when the full story of the war is written we will find out that we hanged Saddam Hussein for outstanding parking tickets.
President Pervez Musharraf ordered a news blackout in Pakistan Tuesday. The day before, he suspended elections and jailed judges. It’s the most dictatorial move by a world leader since President Bush canceled the agreement between nouns and verbs.
The Writers Guild strike put late-night comics into reruns Monday. This should help President Bush. Instead of raking him over the coals over waterboarding they’ll be raking Bill Clinton over the coals for ruining the carpet in the Oval Office study.
GOP candidate Ron Paul took in four million dollars in donations Tuesday. The longtime Texas congressman and gynecologist vows to pull out of Iraq immediately and abolish the IRS. He is a lot like Reagan except those aren’t his feet in the stirrups.
Congress heard tearful testimony Monday from an eighteen-year-old Eskimo girl from Alaska. She said global warming is ruining her village. The next day she was attacked on radio by Rush Limbaugh, who said she didn’t deserve her medals in Vietnam.
Pope Benedict held a historic first meeting with King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia at the Vatican Tuesday. Why they met is murky. Perhaps the king wanted to confess, and he wanted to talk with someone who hasn’t waterboarded since the fifteenth century.
President Bush surpassed Richard Nixon in the Gallup Poll Tuesday as the most strongly disapproved president of all time. The Nixon Library said it didn’t mind that the record was broken. They even played a video of Hank Aaron saying it was okay.
Dennis Kucinich moved to impeach Dick Cheney Tuesday for lying the nation into war. Republicans surprisingly voted to let debate on the bill go forward, thinking that impeachment would be unpopular with voters. Dick Cheney could accidentally be brought down by friendly fire, proving once again that what goes around comes around.
Laura Bush brought reporters along Tuesday for a visit to Lincoln’s Cottage at the Soldier’s Home, located near the White House. She praised the caretakers for preserving the historical property. She plans to restore the cottage and then flip it.
Hillary Clinton said Tuesday she supports governors who are dealing with the problem of driver’s licenses for illegal aliens but not necessarily what they do about it. No wonder the illegal alien vote is for her. Hillary’s the patron saint of trimming and hedging.
Kentucky Governor Ernie Fletcher lost his re-election bid despite a last-ditch effort to win over conservatives. He displayed the Ten Commandments in the Capitol the day before the election. That’s a stupid thing to do if you really believe in God.
The White House had a formal dinner for French President Nicolas Sarkozy and one hundred and thirty guests Tuesday. Dessert was something called Lafayette’s Legacy. Up until now, Lafayette’s Legacy was a U.S. military base in Germany, so that we don’t get a repetitive-motion injury rescuing France every twenty-five years.
New York’s Mercantile Exchange reported Tuesday that oil prices hit a new high of ninety-seven dollars a barrel. It’s really affecting people. A surfer lost an arm and a leg near Malibu beach Tuesday, and that was just filling up at the Arco station.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.08.07