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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Malibu was evacuated on Sunday after brushfires ignited in the hills above the movie colony the night before. Nobody panicked. Hollywood agents saw the flames outside their windows when they woke up Sunday morning and just assumed they had died.
The New York Giants play the Miami Dolphins in London on Sunday. Our reputation precedes us. When the play-by-play announcer says to watch for the bomb out of the shotgun formation, the English will think that negotiations with Iran broke down again.
Dick Cheney gave a speech in Virginia on Sunday in which he virtually promised to attack Iran. It’s not always clear what he’s thinking. Iran’s president already said they don’t have any homosexuals in the country so it must be the nuclear program.
Travel and Leisure magazine published a readers poll saying that Miami is home to America’s most attractive people. San Diego was second. Los Angeles would have been first, but they took off points for plastic surgery, so we ended up thirty-fifth.
French president Nicolas Sarkozy and wife Cecilia divorced Thursday after they admitted they stayed married just to win the presidency. This won’t happen to the Clintons. Neither Bill nor Hillary would give up the revenue from the Lincoln Bedroom.
Hillary Clinton kicked off her Organizing for Change tour in Iowa Saturday. She talked to voters under a banner reading Rebuilding the Road to the Middle Class. As a good Methodist she was taught to respect the middle class, they could revolt any day.
President Bush threatened harsh sanctions Friday against the nation of Myanmar, which used to be called Burma. The country is torn in two. President Bush met with the press Sunday and announced he would support whichever side is easier to pronounce.
President Bush visited a wildlife refuge in Maryland on Saturday where he held a little screech owl in his hand for cameras. It was the least he could do. He was helping to evacuate the birds personally so the oil drilling in the refuge could begin.
The National Italian-American Foundation met in Washington Friday and endorsed Rudy Giuliani. They feel very grateful to him. After Rudy Giuliani got finished prosecuting their relatives there were a lot of job openings in the family businesses.
U.S. Congressman Bobby Jindal was elected Louisiana governor Sunday. His parents moved there from their native India. Louisianans have become so desperate they are willing to let Eastern religions take a crack at protecting the state from the weather.
Hezbollah warned the U.S. government on Saturday that setting up a military base in Lebanon would be a hostile act. Hezbollah is a terrorist group. They are hoping that when the ECS rankings come out Sunday that al-Qaeda will no longer be number one.
The Republican Party presidential candidates held a debate in Orlando on Sunday which was sponsored by Fox News. What’s happened to the GOP? Congressman Ron Paul called for a non-interventionist foreign policy, elimination of the income tax and strict adherence to the Constitution, and he’s now considered the nut wing of the party.
GOP candidate Mike Huckabee told the Republican presidential debate audience in Orlando Sunday that there’s nothing funny about Hillary Clinton becoming president. Comedians everywhere had the same reaction. There goes what’s left of his credibility.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 10.23.07

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