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argus Hamilton

argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Al Gore was jubilant after he was announced as the recipient of this year’s Nobel Peace Prize Friday. This is one time he won’t have to worry about a recount. The Supreme Court would have to be on mushrooms to award a peace prize to President Bush.
Colorado State climatologist Bill Gray declared Friday that the global warming theory which won Al Gore the Nobel Prize is ridiculous. How refreshing. It’s about time someone had the courage in this debate to stand up and say they’re just penguins.
The White House issued no comment on the Nobel Prize being awarded to Al Gore Friday. The peace prize is awarded annually by a committee that’s comprised of five Norwegians. The Vikings are still doing penance twelve hundred years later if you wondered how long the world is going to hold a grudge against the Bush Administration.
Snoop Dogg began serving his community service sentence Tuesday after cops found guns and drugs in a secret compartment in his van. It must have been a lot. All the vehicles assembled in Mexico have a secret compartment that will seat a family of ten.
Prince William’s girlfriend Kate Middleton was photographed Sunday with Prince Charles in rural Scotland. They were on a stag hunting expedition. It set off speculation that the Royal Family has given up arranging car wrecks to get rid of them.
Governor Bill Richardson charged Saturday that Hillary Clinton was acting like she’s already won the nomination. It was a gallant gesture. Bill Richardson knows that Hillary’s going to win, he’s just showing that a knighthood means nothing to him.
Hillary Clinton dropped her idea Friday to give five thousand dollars to every baby born in America. She didn’t do the math. Her advisors had to show her that when you added up the interest, by the time they were twelve they would be Republicans.
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice flew to Jerusalem Sunday to try her hand at some shuttle diplomacy between Israelis and Palestinians. There’s a reason they call it shuttle diplomacy. That’s because when it’s not breaking down it’s blowing up.
The U.N. began an investigation into Blackwater contractors who patrol Iraq Friday. It’s going nowhere. The U.N. doesn’t want a bunch of unregulated cowboys shooting up the Third World, but who the U.S. and Britain elect as our leaders is none of their business.
President Bush pushed all weekend for new trade agreements with South American nations. Free trade won’t be enough. At the rate California party girls are going to rehab and getting sober, South American farmers are going to need major crop subsidies.
Senator Larry Craig was inducted into Idaho’s Hall of Fame Saturday. It was very unsatisfying for him. Larry Craig is responsible for thirty-five years of highway and dam and bridge construction in Idaho, but do they call him Larry the Bridgebuilder?
House Democrats told staffers to get hepatitis shots before they went to North Carolina for an auto race. Republicans shouldn’t make an issue of it. They do the same thing whenever they have to go to the DMV to get their driver’s licenses renewed.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at Published in The Messenger 10.16.07

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