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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Notre Dame legend George Gipp was exhumed last week, eighty-seven years after he died giving his teammates a stirring halftime speech. They dug him up. When Fred Thompson did not turn out to be the next Ronald Reagan, the Republicans got desperate.
Penn State coach Joe Paterno got in a road rage incident near campus Wednesday with a female driver accompanied by her husband. The problem was unavoidable. She was driving too slowly for Joe’s taste, but he’s been reluctant to pass for sixty years.
Congressional staffers planning a junket to a NASCAR race in Raleigh on Friday got immunization shots for hepatitis and diphtheria and tetanus. It shows how little Democrats know about the South. They thought they were going to a race in Madagascar.
Condoleezza Rice accused Iran’s government Wednesday of lying about the purpose of its nuclear program, and she added there’s no doubt that Iran is developing an atomic bomb. Time really flies. Who can believe the Iraq war’s in syndication already.
Jimmy Carter in a televised interview Friday called Dick Cheney a disaster and a militant who himself avoided any service in the U.S. military. That’s really too bad. The way Dick Cheney shoots we would have lost the Vietnam War five years earlier.
Turkey called home its U.S. ambassador Thursday when House Democrats charged Turkey with past genocide. It’s politics. Democrats want to show the voters they can start mindless and unnecessary wars in the Middle East just as well as the Republicans can.
Turkey massed troops on the border of Iraq Thursday and threatened the Kurdish region now occupied by U.S. forces. President Bush paid no attention. With Joe Torre’s job in peril, it’s hard to worry about a NATO ally declaring war on the United States.
GOP candidate Ron Paul won the Michigan debate by a giant margin according to MSNBC’s poll. He’s drawing huge support on the Internet. He’s a congressman and a gynecologist, which draws people to his web site just to see if there are naked women.
Conservative pundit Ann Coulter told NBC News Monday America would be a better place if everyone were Christian. She said if Jews want to be perfected they must convert. And to think Adolf Hitler killed himself because he thought that all was lost.
The U.N. began investigating Blackwater Security contractors patrolling Iraq Thursday. How ruthless are these guys? At the end of each day’s shootings, they shake hands with al-Qaeda in the middle of the field and tell each other it was a good game.
President Bush will present the Medal of Honor this week to Tibet’s Dalai Lama, who wants Tibet independent of China. No one’s worried about China’s reaction. How much angrier can they get, they’re already poisoning the Barbie Dolls and the seafood.
Hillary Clinton told Iowans on Thursday she’d consider raising Social Security taxes on the rich. The day before, she proposed raising income taxes on the rich and raising the estate taxes on the rich. And Bill thought that all had been forgiven.
Buckingham Palace revealed Thursday that Prince William will train to be a Royal Air Force pilot beginning next year. This is what in-breeding gets you. Prince William can have any woman in the world and he’s going to be the King of England, and he wants to strap himself to a rocket and do barrel rolls at twenty thousand feet.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 10.15.07

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