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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The New York Yankees faced the wrath of George Steinbrenner after they lost to the Cleveland Indians on Monday. No one thought it conceivably possible. It took 515 years but the Indians finally caught a break on Columbus Day.
Sen. Larry Craig will be inducted into the Idaho Hall of Fame this Saturday despite his men’s room arrest. They couldn’t very well rescind the honor. It would defeat the purpose of the hall of fame to vote him out now that he is actually famous.
The USC Trojans were upset by Stanford in the L.A. Coliseum Saturday in what the Los Angeles Times called the biggest upset in history. Is it a bigger upset than Iraq defeating the United States? Don’t those sports guys read the rest of the paper?
The Chicago Marathon was plagued by a heat wave on Sunday that caused hundreds of runners to collapse. The city says it prepared two million drinks for runners on the route. They accidentally used the St. Patrick’s Day parade plan for the marathon.
The Distilled Spirits Council auctioned a quart of whiskey made in George Washington’s distillery last week. Not many people know he made whiskey. George Washington became known as the Father of Our Country because Old Grand Dad had already been trademarked.
The New York Knicks were sued by a cheerleader Monday for sex harassment. The team just lost a huge sexual harassment suit. They would hand out cantaloupes for the guys in the front office to squeeze but they are more expensive than the lawsuits.
President Bush vetoed the bill to expand health insurance for children on Thursday. The idea runs counter to his party’s free market philosophy. Republicans believe that children should be insured by their employers, the way the Chinese do it.
Mitt Romney maintained his lead in Iowa Monday but remained unable to increase it. His aides are urging him to discuss his Mormon faith in order to clear up any public misperceptions. Mormons do not believe that the Garden of Eden was in St. Louis.
Speaker Nancy Pelosi vowed Monday to override the president’s veto of children’s health insurance. She called the veto heartless. Democrats possess a finely honed sense of tragedy and outrage which sustains them through life’s brief moments of happiness.
Hillary Clinton took a tour of Iowa Monday on a bus she named the Middle Class Express. She had to be talked into it. Her aides convinced her it looked a lot more humble than touring the state in a Gulfstream jet called the Air of Inevitability.
Fred Thompson appeared in his first GOP debate Tuesday in Detroit. His advisors worry he’s an uninformed bonehead who knows nothing about foreign policy. Surely the Republicans do not think a candidate like that could get elected president, not again.
Mexico’s President Felipe Calderon gave a speech Monday blasting the United States government for deciding to build the border barrier with Mexico. The border wall has made him furious. He ordered his people not to build it.
Wall Street cooled in a profit-taking session Monday following last week’s all-time high. Shareholders took huge profits from last week’s surge. In other words, the La Jolla residents on Soledad Mountain have only begun to clean up.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 10.11.07

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