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Argus Hamilton 10.12.07

Argus Hamilton 10.12.07
LA JOLLA — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Rudy Giuliani was booed by Yankees fans at Yankee Stadium Monday when he was shown on the giant video screen during the team’s season-ending loss to Cleveland. Of course he was there. When a New York landmark collapses, you just can’t keep him away.
New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner threatened Sunday to fire Joe Torre if they didn’t win this week. It’s great to see he’s his old self again. He’s been under debilitating stress ever since he lost his two sons, Udey and Qusay Steinbrenner.
The London Times reported Tuesday that Tiger Woods angered his Swedish in-laws by missing his daughter’s baptism in Stockholm. It’s not surprising. Tiger Woods hasn’t gone near the water since he changed drivers and went to a more upright swing.
Los Angeles women were the most sexually active women in America in a national sex survey released Monday. It’s bad for the local economy. Slutty behavior by Los Angeles women has killed the once-thriving prostitution business on the Sunset Strip.
The American League playoffs were played in record-high temperatures in Boston and New York and Cleveland this week. It raised one question. Does this mean that in addition to the Oscar and the Emmy, Al Gore’s going to win the Cy Young Award?
Great Britain said Monday it will pull troops from Southern Iraq. Everybody is afraid that civil war and ethnic strife will erupt and leave the country forever ungovernable if the British leave. What happened after Yorktown could happen in Iraq.
The White House asked Congress Tuesday to renew the Terrorist Surveillance Act allowing the government to wiretap without warrants. It’s nothing to worry about. If you believe President Bush is eavesdropping on your phone calls, just use big words.
The GOP candidates had a debate in Detroit Tuesday. They broke for a commercial every 15 minutes. When nine out of 10 Republicans have prostate problems it’s not right to ask guys that age to stand up there without regular bathroom breaks.
John McCain told a Detroit crowd Tuesday that he would completely retool the country’s unemployment system and focus on older workers. Everyone’s in favor of retooling older workers. Here in Los Angeles it is known as a full face and neck lift.
Laura Bush warned Tuesday the U.S. will sanction Burma if it doesn’t democratize soon. There’s a reason why the warning came from her. This administration makes so many threats that the State Department was beginning to rack up some serious overtime.
The Democratic Party banned Florida and Michigan delegates from the convention next summer because they moved their primary up a month earlier than allowed. The two states have been ex-communicated. This automatically places them in Rudy’s column.
Hillary Clinton dropped her idea of a $5,000 bond for every baby in America Tuesday. She announced a plan to give every American $1,000 a year in retirement funds. She would give away cars but Oprah’s already endorsed Obama.
Sen. Larry Craig is inducted into Idaho’s Hall of Fame tomorrow. He should stop apologizing. If strangers didn’t meet for anonymous sex and then disappear from each other’s lives forever, many of our nation’s lawmakers would never have been born.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at
Published in The Messenger on 10.12.07

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