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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Bush was interviewed Friday on Arab television, where he announced the U.S. has no plans to attack Iran. That’s in direct conflict with the will of the American people. If we had wanted a war with no plans we could have kept Don Rumsfeld.
Bruce Springsteen was sued Friday for backing out of a deal to buy a horse for $800,000. It wasn’t overpriced. With all the meat recalls last week due to the E. coli scare, the horse is worth millions if he’s put out to hamburger.
Lindsay Lohan will check out of her rehab in Utah Friday and begin filming her next movie, “Dare to Love Me.” A hit would be great for her career. Lindsay Lohan’s last movie was so bad that everybody walked out on it, and it was the in-flight movie.
Jane Seymour missed her appearance on Dancing with the Stars Tuesday to attend her 90-year-old mother’s funeral in England. It had to be agonizing for her. Now she has to persuade everybody in show business that she was adopted when her mother was 60.
Cleveland Cavaliers star LeBron James sat in the front row at the Cleveland Indians home playoff game Thursday wearing a New York Yankees cap. No one can believe he did it. He might as well have worn an Osama bin Laden mask to the president’s prayer breakfast.
President Bush stated Saturday he might be willing to compromise with Congress on the child health insurance bill he just vetoed. Now he’s thinking. His daughter Jenna just wrote a children’s book and he doesn’t want to be the villain in the sequel.
Wall Street celebrated a good labor report last week as the Dow Jones averages neared a new high. Profits soared for stocks and bondholders. People who live on Soledad Mountain in La Jolla were so relieved to see that life is returning to normal.
Mitt Romney revealed Friday he’s loaned his own presidential campaign $17 million. It’s a sign he could be in trouble. Hillary Clinton just proposed that the U.S. government give a $5,000 bond to each of the Romney children.
Rudy Giuliani addressed the Americans for Prosperity Friday in Washington. The candidate urged tax cuts and fiscal prudence. The only way he could fill the house was if the people handing out the tickets promised he wouldn’t talk about 9/11.
Southern California cities voted Tuesday whether apartments and condos can ban smoking. It’s an idea whose time has come. As long as your neighbors are in your refrigerator policing the obesity epidemic, they may as well throw out your cigarettes.
GOP candidate Tom Tancredo blasted an Iowa judge Friday for upholding same-sex marriage. Gays are a big constituency in Iowa. Hold a casting call in Des Moines and you will be amazed how many Iowans can dance that Shipoopi number from “The Music Man.”
Don Imus was reported near a new deal with ABC Radio on Saturday. He was fired by CBS for using rap slang to describe black women. His new contract requires him to say The State of Idaho whenever he mentions Idaho, otherwise he’s liable for all damages to Ida.
The Minnesota National Guard learned Friday they don’t qualify for GI education benefits. It seems they were deployed one day short of the 730 days required to qualify. If the soldiers want cash from the U.S. government, their best bet is to take off their National Guard uniforms and dress up as corrupt Iraqi moderates.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at Published in The Messenger 10.10.07

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