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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The New York Yankees were swarmed by millions of gnats during the ninth inning in Cleveland Thursday. The gnats swooped in off Lake Erie and attacked the players. Now everyone’s afraid President Bush will use the attack as a pretext to invade Iran.
Olympic superstar Marion Jones wept Friday as she admitted lying about steroid use. She’s a great performer. Last year Marion Jones gave the most emphatic denial in the doping scandal since Sammy Sosa told Congress that he did not take any stereos.
Britney Spears learned Friday that People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is trying to take her pets, after she lost custody of her kids. The story gets worse and worse. She hasn’t gone out to eat in three weeks and the gardener’s missing.
Bob Barker was sued Friday by a former Price is Right employee who claims that he discriminated against her. He’s been sued in the past by models on the show for sex harassment. This is what happens when game show hosts aren’t spayed and neutered.
Log Cabin Republicans said Friday they’ll oppose Mitt Romney. They are a group of gay Republicans founded upon the evidence that Abe Lincoln was secretly gay. Do you know how hard you had to tap your foot so the guy could hear you in the next outhouse?
Larry Craig said Friday he will stay in the Senate despite promising to resign if his lewd conduct guilty plea was upheld. No one can pin him down. You’d think from the way he is trying to squirm out of this that he was busted in the wiggle room.
President Bush held a dinner Thursday to mark the end of a Ramadan fast. He said the U.S. has a proud history of standing with Muslims. We stand with them in the airport while we wait for little blonde children to be frisked on their way to Disney World.
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on Saturday told Israelis to move to Alaska or to Canada. Why should they budge an inch? The Israelis are sitting on the one piece of land in the world with no oil beneath it, where they are safe from U.S. attack.
The CIA reported on Saturday that every capital city in Europe is under threat of al-Qaeda attack. Response was swift. Paris thanked the agency, Berlin laughed it off and London broke into the usual debate over whether or not Britain is in Europe.
Mitt Romney reported raising $10 million in the third quarter Friday. He loaned himself $17 million from his own fortune. This presidential race may be a grand adventure for Mitt Romney but it’s no longer cute to his children.
New Mexico Congresswoman Heather Wilson said Friday she will run for the Senate next year. It’ll be closely watched. The most exciting House race is in La Jolla, where an English Tudor is leading a Spanish colonial by the length of the front porch.
Housing Secretary Alphonso Jackson was accused Thursday of helping a friend win a no-bid contract worth $400,000. His fellow Republicans were so embarrassed. It’s like interrupting a jewelry heist to shoplift a pack of gum.
President Bush denied planning any military aggression in an interview with al-Arabiya television Friday. He said that people just make things up about him. How many times does he have to deny that he is planning to invade Baghdad before people believe him?
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at Published in The Messenger 10.9.07

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