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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Bush was reported on Monday to be planning air raids on Iranian army installations inside Iran. You know Congress will give him the money. Las Vegas would have cut him off by now because they don’t like to encourage degenerate gamblers.
The Colorado Rockies won a one-game playoff thriller with the San Diego Padres Monday. Two days earlier Colorado came from behind to upset the Oklahoma Sooners. Ever since Colorado lost to Kobe Bryant, the entire state’s had a chip on its shoulder.
Britney Spears lost custody of her two kids on Monday to former husband Kevin Federline in Los Angeles. After the decision, she drove herself to a tanning salon despite the risks. With no kids on her lap she could be seriously hurt in a car wreck.
Minneapolis Airport lowered the men’s room stall dividers Friday after Sen. Larry Craig’s arrest last month. They now extend from the ceiling to the floor. It proves once again that public improvements never get done until somebody gets hurt.
New York Knicks coach Isiah Thomas was found liable Tuesday in a workplace sex harassment suit. He knows today’s rules. When a man talks dirty to a woman it’s sexual harassment and when a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3 a minute.
The View host Whoopi Goldberg propositioned House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and her husband during the show Tuesday for three-way sex. It was an honest mistake. When Nancy Pelosi said she likes being third in line she meant presidential succession.
President Bush’s daughter Jenna told Larry King Tuesday she thinks it would be great if her dad became Baseball Commissioner after office. What a lousy idea. The Yankees-Red Sox rivalry is exciting enough without explosive devices in the basepaths.
President Bush vetoed a bill expanding the Children’s Health Insurance Program Wednesday. No cameras were allowed into the room. He canceled the photo-op after he could not persuade any kids to dress up as fiscal responsibility and stand behind him.
Senate Democrats vowed Tuesday to override President Bush’s veto of the bill that would expand children’s health care by raising cigarette taxes. It’s self-defeating. If cigarette smoking gets any more expensive, it’s going to make crack cost-effective.
Russia’s Vladimir Putin said Monday he will stay in power by becoming prime minister in charge of a puppet president. He’s found a way to evade presidential term limits. This is what you have to do when your wife doesn’t want to be president.
John McCain criticized Hillary Clinton for indecision Monday, saying the U.S. can’t afford a commander in chief who triangulates. He forgot his navigation. No ICBM can hit Iran unless the neo-con who launches it from Colorado can measure its position against the North Star.
Hillary Clinton announced Tuesday she raised $27 million in the third quarter. It was easy. She promised her husband in June that if he raised $25 million in the next quarter, she’d look the other way for an hour.
Sen. Harry Reid tried to get Rush Limbaugh fired by Clear Channel Radio for denouncing soldiers who oppose the war in Iraq. He called them phony soldiers. If media pundits had to do the actual fighting in Iraq their motto would be Not the Face.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at Published in The Messenger 10.04.07