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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Bush was reported Monday to be plotting an air strike on Iran’s army barracks. It’s obvious why. With Kiefer Sutherland in rehab for twenty-eight days, President Bush believes he needs to step up the drama to keep the country entertained.
New York Knicks coach Isiah Thomas’s jury discussed money damages Monday in the sex harassment suit brought against him by a woman. He’s lucky this didn’t happen in Los Angeles. He would have been laughed out of the courtroom for not shooting her.
The Chicago Cubs made the playoffs Friday, days after a couple who are Cubs fans named their baby Wrigley Fields. The city is wild about the Cubs. The grandfather just set the baby up with a thousand dollar savings account at one of the Ernie Banks.
Christian conservatives threatened Monday to bolt the GOP if Rudy Giuliani is the GOP nominee. Evangelicals can’t stand Rudy. He’s pro-gay, he’s pro-choice, he’s had three wives and he wore a dress on Saturday Night Live, and he doesn’t seem sorry at all.
Idaho Senator Larry Craig withdrew his Senate resignation Friday as he battles his arrest for lewd conduct in an airport men’s room stall. He may have the law on his side. Where does it say that it’s a crime for Republicans to reach out to gays?
The U.S. Supreme Court decided Monday not to hear a challenge to an Alabama law banning the sale of sex toys. There’s good reason for the ban. If these things are sold in stores on the street, people in Alabama will never learn how to use a computer.
Britney Spears had to give up her kids to their dad Kevin Federline Monday. He does burger commercials where he admits having no talent. Judges in Los Angeles are so frustrated, they will side with whichever parent is still represented by management.
President Bush’s former U.N. ambassador John Bolton reportedly informed British officials Sunday that the White House wants regime change in Iran. You remember him. That’s not a mustache on John Bolton’s face, that’s a dove clenched between his teeth.
The Department of Justice began to deport an eighty-five-year-old Atlanta man Monday. He was a Nazi camp guard who trained and handled attack dogs. Everyone in Atlanta’s just grateful that Michael Vick was stopped before he started World War III.
Mexican President Felipe Calderon was in Los Angeles Monday for Mexico’s ruling party’s convention, where he preached revolution against U.S. immigration law. There’s nothing Homeland Security could do about it. He got into the country on a Pancho Visa.
Laura Bush hosted a White House breakfast Saturday for highly-regarded authors and publishers and poets. She loves to mingle with writers and discuss literature and ideas. Laura Bush is the living embodiment of the principle that opposites attract.
Newt Gingrich said Sunday the odds are Hillary will be the next president. He is right. The only way the Republicans can defeat her is through her husband, and that would entail convincing Miss Teen South Carolina to take one for the team.
Senator John McCain was blasted by Jewish and Muslim groups Monday for telling a television interviewer that the U.S. Constitution established the United States as a Christian nation. He managed to bring Jews and Muslims together. It’s the most progress there has been in the Arab-Israeli conflict since Jimmy Carter was president.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at in The Messenger 10.03.07

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