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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton
BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Bush telephoned the new prime minister of Japan in Tokyo on Thursday to congratulate him on his election. His name is Yasuo Fukuda. In order to prevent the outbreak of a new war with Japan, President Bush has agreed to just call him Buddy.
New York’s Mercantile Exchange reported Thursday that crude oil was back above eighty-three dollars a barrel. How well is the oil industry doing? The most difficult problem in Houston nowadays is affordable housing for professional athletes.
Michael Vick was placed on home confinement by his judge Wednesday for smoking pot as he awaits trial. It took awhile to catch him. He convinced the first three marijuana-sniffing dogs who came into his house that they could have been a contender.
The White House vowed to veto the defense bill Thursday after Democrats tacked on an amendment protecting gays from hate crimes. It shouldn’t be a problem. We could bomb Iran all day long and according to Iran’s president not hit one homosexual.
The Presidents Cup began in Montreal Thursday. It pits the U.S. team against the Internationals. Once a year the Americans and the British pretend to be on different teams, giving whoever’s the British prime minister a little political breathing space.
The Los Angeles Dodgers erupted in hostility between rookies and veterans last week. It’s chaos. Manager Grady Little would worry about losing his job to someone who could control the Dodger factions, but Saddam Hussein was hanged nine months ago.
Dick Cheney was spotted Friday carrying a copy of Washingtonian magazine. This month’s cover story is about the one hundred fifty most influential people in the nation’s capital. Everybody above him on the list was just targeted for assassination.
GOP presidential candidates skipped a scheduled debate at a historically black college after skipping a debate before a Hispanic crowd. It would have picked the winner. They were going to blindfold each candidate onstage, give him a stick, spin him around three times and see who could beat Hillary.
Hillary Clinton in Wednesday’s debate endorsed torture in a hypothetically-posed terror dilemma. The audience went wild. Fox just asked Hillary to fill in for agent Jack Bauer on Twenty-Four while he’s protecting Betty Ford the next twenty-eight days.
Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani were tied in the latest New Hampshire polls Friday. Their religions are no obstacle to their ambitions. The Episcopal Church has a crash membership program that would make either one of them electable in twenty classes.
The White House was reported Thursday to have co-opted reporters into covering up his domestic spying program. What’s the use? It’s this administration’s belief that the pardon issued by Jerry Ford covers every U.S. president who wiretaps illegally.
President Bush urged China Thursday to use its influence to halt the crackdown in Burma. It might work. China needs to warn Burma that shooting pro-democracy protesters in the street could keep them from hosting the Olympics for nineteen years.
The Justice Department indicted four men in Connecticut on Friday for selling steroids on the teen web site MySpace. The men were importing steroid powder from China and making the performance-enhancing drug in their laboratory. How are kids today ever going to learn anything if adults keep doing their science homework for them?
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at Published in The Messenger 10.01.07

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