Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Lance Armstrong admitted to Oprah Winfrey he used performance enhancing drugs to win the Tour de France title seven times. He said he’s tired of lying and he’s tired of covering up what happened. Someone should tell him they have drugs for tiredness, too.
The National Hockey League resumes Saturday after a long lockout. They are a special breed. Hockey introduced the first protective cup in 1874 but didn’t use helmets until 1974, meaning it took one hundred years for men to realize their brains are also important.
Nike signed Rory McElroy to a ten-year endorsement deal for two hundred and fifty million dollars. They said he is low risk. Rory doesn’t drink, gamble, use drugs, sleep around or inject steroids and, for some reason, Nike thinks people will want to be like him.
Jodie Foster stole the show with her speech at the Golden Globes Sunday. She stood before a Hollywood crowd and admitted that she was gay, fifty and friends with Mel Gibson. It turns out Chuck Hagel was the president’s second choice as Secretary of Defense.
The Shooting, Hunting and Outdoor Trade Show will lure sixty thousand gun owners and hunters to the Sands Hotel in Las Vegas Tuesday. It could take the front desk three days just to check all the gun owners into their rooms. You know how they hate to register.
President Obama surrounded himself with children Wednesday as he spelled out his executive orders tightening gun laws. The children wrote letters to the White House. They were asking for jobs for their mothers and fathers and all they got was TV extra work.
House Democrats and Republicans worked together to write a bill to reduce the cost of ObamaCare. They want to lower the cost of breast exams for women and prostate exams for men. They’re thinking of reducing TSA checkpoint crews from three men to two.
Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack was asked by the president to stay. The first five cabinet picks all look the same, surprising Republicans. They know an all-white country club when they see one, they just don’t normally see one until they turn off the main road.
The Federal Aviation Administration wants to ban airline pilots from using personal wireless devices inside the cockpit. They don’t want the pilots using iPads and laptops while they’re up in the air. They keep spilling their beers on them and ruining the screens.
President Obama’s step-brother Malik Obama announced Monday that he’s running for governer of a state in Kenya. The resemblance is uncanny. A real estate magnate in Nairobi is going around telling anybody who’ll listen that he was born in the United States.
Lindsay Lohan was arraigned in Beverly Hills Court Tuesday for lying to police about a car wreck while she was on probation for shoplifting. The actress won’t likely go to jail. She’s twenty-six years old but she looks forty, which is punishment enough in Beverly Hills.
Anthony Weiner was reported set to run for mayor of New York City Monday. He had to quit Congress after he texted lewd photos of himself to an actress. He’s been having a tough time getting a job in the private sector because he can’t pass the foreground check.
Senator Rand Paul accused President Obama of acting like an absolute monarch and said the American Revolution was fought to overthrow monarchy. Actually it was fought to overthrow Parliament, no one was mad at the king. To this day, Queen Elizabeth is so popular with Americans that whoever’s the president we cheerfully patronize as Plan B.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
                          Published in The Messenger 1.17.13

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