Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Mitt Romney vowed to end the outsourcing of U.S. jobs overseas Sunday. The practice often backfires. One U.S. city outsourced its suicide hotline to a call-center in Pakistan, and if you call and tell them you are suicidal, they ask you if you know how to drive a truck.
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno was downsized by NBC Friday and dozens of staffers were fired to cut costs. NBC will be sorry they lowered their overhead. They can find writers who’ll work for minimum wage, but not everybody in the audience can speak Spanish.
Hillary Clinton was profiled in a travel magazine Monday that revealed she literally never sweats. Not once did she perspire at outdoor speeches in India. It’s just proof that when everybody agrees you should’ve been president, it’s better than being president.
GOP congressmen admitted drinking and swimming naked in the Sea of Galilee last year. You can’t get away with anything now that there’s drone surveillance. The operators are sitting in a trailer in Nevada and after a while they’re just like everyone else on the Internet, searching for porn.
Augusta National asked Condoleezza Rice to be its first female member in the club’s history Monday. Everyone’s wrong about why she was invited to join the club. It’s not because she’s black and it’s not because she’s a woman, it’s because the piano player quit.
USA Today reports that Austrian skydiver Felix Baumgartner is preparing to free-fall to earth from a balloon twenty-three miles in space. He’ll be coming down at seven hundred miles per hour. He’s in a race for the world’s free-fall record with Facebook stock.
USA Pro Cycling Challenge is held this week in the Rocky Mountains. The continental divide isn’t just terrain. If you see a fifty-year-old man riding a bicycle in Colorado, he’s working out, and if you see a fifty-year-old man riding a bicycle in Mississippi, he’s got a DUI.
Donald Trump was given a secret opening night role for television viewers to enjoy when the Republican Party Convention begins in Orlando Monday. Be sure to tune in early so you don’t miss the surprise. He’s going to lead the Pledge of Allegiance to himself.
USA Today noted Sunday that Paul Ryan’s selection by Mitt Romney means the party doesn’t have a Protestant on the ticket for the first time. According to Democrats, Romney would kill your wife and Paul Ryan would push your grandmother off the cliff. So they’re Mayans.
Newsweek startled its readers Sunday by putting a photo of President Obama on the cover and calling for the American people to vote him out. It’s the news magazine equivalent of making a sex tape. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to get your own TV show.
President Obama passed up the chance to play golf in Washington Sunday to attend church at St. John’s Episcopal with his family. It was an emotional experience for him. He felt the pain that all politicians feel when a collection plate goes by and it’s not for them.
President Obama disclosed he is working on a plan to release oil from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve to lower gas prices before the election. It’s his last option. They tried releasing the Strategic Wind Reserve, but every time Joe Biden gives a speech things just get worse.
Homeland Security chief head Janet Napolitano was accused by male staffers Sunday of allowing her women staffers to turn the executive floor into their sex club. They figure why should the TSA have all the fun? Last night a courier arrived at Homeland Security wearing only a swimsuit in order to avoid being patted down and they strip-searched him.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.22.12

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