Argus 8.17.12

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange got diplomatic immunity in Ecuador from getting prosecuted for leaking cables that embarrassed the U.S. government. The case is weak. If embarrassing the U.S. government were a crime, Joe Biden would be on death row at Leavenworth.
NASA scientists on Wednesday completed an intellect upgrade on the Mars Curiosity rover. It seems unfair. Why is it Americans can conduct an intellect upgrade on a golf cart 40 million miles away but we have to accept our vice presidents the way God made them?
Joe Biden refused to apologize Tuesday for telling a black audience that Republicans plan to put them back in chains in Virginia. At least everyone’s listening. There’s been a boom in bomb shelter construction ever since he gave a speech in Tokyo last week.
Rudy Giuliani openly questioned Joe Biden’s mental capacity Tuesday. He’s insulted minorities, he’s sworn onstage and he’s asked a wheelchair-bound person to stand up for a round of applause. It raises a lot of questions, and the answer to all of them is too much Scotch.
Mitt Romney reacted angrily to Joe Biden accusing the GOP of wanting to put blacks in chains. He was insulted. Mitt Romney has homes in Utah, Massachusetts and in New Hampshire where chains save lives on the road every winter and are regarded highly.
President Obama’s order allowing work permits for young illegal aliens took effect Wednesday. He’ll let them stay here if they pay $500 for a permit. It’s viewed by some as a humane gesture and by others as a new low in campaign fundraising.
Bill Clinton agreed to give the keynote speech at the Democratic Convention. Today’s young adults were only seven during the Monica scandal. They may have been lousy in math and science but they could spell fellatio younger than any other generation in history.
President Obama campaigned in Iowa Tuesday where he proposed that the federal government buy up beef to help raise prices. He admitted that the economy is a little sluggish right now. That’s true, in the same way that Elvis Presley’s a little sluggish right now.
History Channel News polled American historians on President Obama’s legacy this past month. The poll showed the Obama presidency was rated as a failure by over 60 percent of historians. The good news is, they’re the highest poll numbers he’s had in years.
Florida police arrested a man for shoplifting Monday who was completing a national stealing spree from appliance, electronics and grocery stores. He boasted he’s shoplifted in all fifty states. If convicted, he could get two-to-40 years in the United States Congress.
Homeland Security official Suzy Barr was sued for sex harassment Tuesday by male ICE agents. They claim the women bosses at DHS treated them like male strippers at the office. The defense plans to introduce evidence that they were never once late for work.
Minnesota released a study showing that movie popcorn butter has a chemical that causes memory loss. This could save a lot of careers. Baseball players can now tell Congress they just saw a double feature and cannot remember whether they took steroids.
Paul Ryan’s fraternity house at Miami of Ohio was besieged by reporters Wednesday looking for background dirt on the VP candidate. They all wanted shirtless pictures of him partying. He graduated 20 years ago, which was about ten years before the cell phone camera ruined every fraternity man’s chances of ever achieving national office.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 8.17.12

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