Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Labor Department said one hundred sixty-thousand jobs were added last month but the economy is slow. Businesses are really struggling to attract customers. Popeye’s Chicken announced yesterday that Popeye is engaged to Olive Oyl and Bluto is just a friend.
Chick-fil-A racked up another huge day of chicken sandwich sales when gays showed up to protest pro-traditional marriage law Friday. It’s funny. Pro-gay marriage or pro-traditional marriage, they are all Charles Manson as far as the chickens are concerned.
Olympic gymnast Gabby Douglas became America’s darling Friday when she won the gold medal. She spun in the air, twirled and flipped twice and landed squarely on her feet. President Obama called her and asked if she would be his new press secretary.
President Obama arrived at Camp David Saturday where he celebrated his fifty-first birthday with a party including family and friends. They rolled out a rich chocolate cake. He didn’t blow out the candles, he simply taxed them until they gave up on their own.
Arnold Schwarzenegger donated twenty million dollars to set up a think tank at USC Friday. He wants kids to benefit from his experiences. Maria Shriver said Arnold came up with the idea of the think tank while thinking things over as he slept on the couch.
Washington D.C. agreed to convert to lower-wattage streetlights to save energy and cut back on greenhouse gas emissions. The environmentalists are forcing the city to convert to dimmer bulbs. So they’re screwing members of Congress into the light sockets.
ABC News says porn star and former California governor candidate Jenna Jameson endorsed Mitt Romney. She has starred in hundreds of adult films. She’s so persuasive on Romney’s behalf that Fred Willard has already changed his registration to Republican.
President Obama told sports radio Friday the New York Jets made a mistake by getting Tim Tebow. He said it puts too much pressure on Mark Sanchez. He is already warning the team they’ll face a Justice Department probe if they replace a Hispanic with a white guy.
A Vermont farmer expressed his fury at police Friday by driving a fifteen-ton tractor over seven police cars parked at the station. They’d arrested him for marijuana two nights earlier. Apparently it’s easier to withdraw from Afghanistan than it is this new pot.
Senator Harry Reid claimed an anonymous investor told him Mitt Romney didn’t pay his taxes the last ten years. It’s a dastardly trick to make scurrilous charges without proof. Republicans could just as easily say that Harry Reid is O.J. Simpson’s senator and he is.
NBC defended the decision to tape delay the Olympics to the U.S. for primetime airing Friday. NBC Sports executive Mark Lazarus said the company stockholders’ interest trumps the public’s interest. If Mark Lazarus sounded any more like Mitt Romney, they’d add him to the cast of Saturday Night Live.
President Obama ordered the CIA’s clandestine services to help the Syrian rebels overthrow Bashar Assad on Thursday. There goes the element of surprise. President Obama’s idea of clandestine is he only tells three newspapers and one cable news network.
NBC reported huge TV ratings for the Olympics Friday fueled by gold medal wins in swimming and gymnastics. The Games are really hurting the Democrats. Every morning people across America go on the Drudge Report for Olympics news in real time and then they watch the games on TV that night and find out that Drudge was right about everything.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.7.12

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