Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
NASA reported Tuesday the Mars Curiosity rover is approaching Mars for a landing on the Red Planet. The two-armed robot will roll across Mars searching for the three chemical ingredients that allow man to survive. That would be beer and women and cable.
Penn State running back Silas Redd left the university Tuesday and opted to play for the USC Trojans. That’s odd. Penn State’s sex scandal was so sordid he could be the first player in history to transfer to Los Angeles for a more wholesome college experience.
Somali comedian Abdi Marshale was assassinated in Mogadishu Tuesday minutes after leaving a radio station. He was famous for making fun of al-Qaeda. Like Americans, nine-tenths of Somalis get their news from comedy monologues every night, and their censorship methods are still crude.
Snoop Dogg said Tuesday he’s decided to change his name to Snoop Lion after he took a trip to Jamaica. He said he’s become the reincarnation of Bob Marley after meeting his ghost there. It saves a lot of scientific study to determine which country grows the best pot.
Chicago meteorologists reported Tuesday that the heat wave raised the temperature of Lake Michigan to eighty-two degrees. It’s the warmest ever. The fish say they aren’t bothered by the hot water but they tell the tabloids that Jimmy Hoffa is starting to braise.
The Consumer Products Safety Commission said a thousand Americans were injured and hospitalized last year due to distracted walking. And they’re all so shocked when they wake up in a hospital. They are supposed to get a text alert whenever a car is coming.
L.A. city employees were ordered to stop watching the Olympics live from London on their office computers on Tuesday. The high volume of computer traffic was overloading the networks. Other city employees were unable to go online for Internet shopping and porn.
India had a huge power outage Tuesday which cut power for six hundred million people. It brought business to a halt. The Hollywood producer who made A Day without Mexicans plans to make a movie about its effect on America and call it A Day without Telemarketing.
President Obama was ripped by black ministers in Washington D.C. who urged him to recant his support for gay marriage. He just shrugged it off. President Obama knows he doesn’t need the black vote to stay in the White House, he can always play the coup card.
Mitt Romney’s campaign released a phone app Tuesday that it will use to announce his VP pick. Is this wise? It could be a traffic hazard to send this information to people’s phones because they’re likely to go careening off the road when it turns out to be Palin again.
The Olympic Games were hit with another insensitive tweet by an athlete Tuesday, this time it was a joke about gay platform divers and HIV. One athlete was sent home this week for tweeting a black joke and another sent home for a Korean joke. If it were not for political correctness, America’s most decorated athlete would be Andrew Dice Clay.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.3.12

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