Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Triple Crown hopeful I’ll Have Another scratched from the Belmont Stakes over leg injuries. He could now get two hundred million in stud fees. It’s becoming more and more obvious that Eli and Peyton Manning are wasting their time doing autograph shows.
USA Today said the Chinese forgers are making fake U.S. driver licenses that can fool all U.S. security. You e-mail them your photo with any name, address and birth date you want and they’ll send it to you. Plastic surgeons in L.A. refer to the transaction as aftercare.
Prime Minister David Cameron and his wife left their child behind at a London pub where they had lunch Sunday but retrieved her later. Every modern power couple with a child knows it could have been a lot worse. It could have been their cell phone and keys.
Commerce Secretary John Bryson smashed his car into a Buick Saturday as the Buick was waiting for a train to go by. He got out and apologized, then smashed into the Buick again. President Obama called a press briefing Monday and said the Buick is doing just fine.
President Obama caused a flap Friday when he told reporters that the private sector in the U.S. economy is doing just fine. Someone’s giving him some really bad advice. President Obama carried thirty states last election by sticking to sports and show business.
Mitt Romney is embarking Friday on a bus trip called Every Town Counts in which he’ll tour Pennsylvania, Ohio and Michigan. The logistics were carefully worked out. The bus is fifteen feet high, the lowest bridge is eighteen feet high and Mitt’s dog is only two feet high.
Attorney General Eric Holder admitted Sunday they sold weapons to Mexico’s cartel in Operation Fast and Furious. It really backfired on the administration. Everyone knows gun ownership stops people’s dependency on government and results in self-reliance and free enterprise.
The Georgia Ku Klux Klan applied to the state highway commission Monday to adopt a stretch of state road. They’ve lost their fearsome image. The hoods they wear used to symbolize unity and anonymity, now it just gets them profiled as home robbery suspects.
China’s Shan Fong became the first Chinese woman to win a tournament on the LPGA golf tour Sunday. She said she fell in love with the game when she was a ten-year-old girl in China. And to this day she can assemble a set of Callaway woods in less than three minutes.
Senate Republicans blasted Democrats for trying to bully the U.S. Supreme Court into ruling in favor of the Health Care Reform law. It’s controversial. The plan does provide everyone who lives in rural areas with a country doctor, unfortunately the country is India.
Jeb Bush expressed regret at not running for president Saturday, admitting this was the year he could have been elected. You have to feel for him. He’s getting really tired of going to Kennebunkport every year for Thanksgiving and having to sit at the card table.
The White House was accused of leaking President Obama’s terrorist kill list, double agents in al-Qaeda, a cyber-war on Iran, and secrets of the raid on Osama bin Laden. It’s crazy. The White House hasn’t had this much leaking since Billy Carter patrolled the Rose Garden.
The Pentagon said a Global Hawk drone aircraft crashed in Maryland Monday. They won’t say why it was up there. The White House denied the report on Fox News that they were stealing the Baltimore Orioles signs and leaking them to the Chicago White Sox.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.13.12

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