Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Oliver Stone’s twenty-five-year-old filmmaker son Sean converted to Islam while he was in Iran Tuesday. He changed his name to Ali in a Shiite conversion rite. You know how every generation wants to do better than their parents at attacking the United States.
Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer was robbed at home by a machete-waving thief who made off with a thousand dollars. Democrats worry. The timing couldn’t be worse for the fate of ObamaCare if it’s true that a conservative is a liberal who’s just been robbed.
President Obama is flying to Southern California Thursday for campaign fundraisers in Beverly Hills. The town is different. Many courthouses have a statue of Lady Justice sitting blindfolded next to the scales, only here the statue is known as Celebrity Pharmacist.
The Beach Boys marked their fiftieth anniversary in Los Angeles Saturday by singing at the Grammy Awards. Surfing has lost its popularity to the Internet. Back in the Sixties, you could surf or you could watch porn, but you couldn’t do both at the same time.
Tiger Woods collapsed in the final round of the AT&T Sunday when it looked like he might have a chance to win. No one knows where his career’s headed. All the great racehorses win the big races and then get put out to stud, but Tiger did it the other way around.
Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover girl Natalie Coughlin wore a swimsuit for the cover that’s actually body paint. It took negotiation. The magazine agreed to have the swimsuit painted on her only after the model said she had no objection to illegal immigrant painters.
President Obama advised every American man to observe Valentine’s Day. It’s a day for love. President Obama took his wife to dinner, Rick Santorum gave his wife a broach and Mitt Romney sent a dozen long-stem red roses to his trustee in the Cayman Islands.
Mexican health officials reported Monday the obesity epidemic is spreading south to Mexico. It’s not just statistics. They’ve had six reports of worshippers in church who were praying to a statue of the Virgin Mary and saw the image of a grilled cheese sandwich.
China News agency announced Thursday that a woman in Shanghai just gave birth to a fifteen-pound baby boy on the eve of the Chinese New Year. Everyone in China is rightly proud of the infant. He’s not yet a month old and he’s already doing the work of two babies.
Apple stock roared past five hundred dollars a share Tuesday after passing Exxon as the most valuable company in the world. The stock price is misleading. You’ll know that the tech company is worth more than the oil company the first time we invade a nation for their Internet cafes.
President Obama’s campaign office dispatched hundreds of so-called truth teams to all fifty states Tuesday to kneecap any criticism of the president. They really don’t like it. They’re going to go house-to-house turning off the radios whenever Rush Limbaugh is on.
The Muslim Brotherhood in Cairo warned the U.S. not to cut any military aid to Egypt just because they’re in charge now. They have a point. It’s morally wrong to discriminate between one authoritarian and a brotherhood of authoritarians because God created all authoritarians equal.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.16.12

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