Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Yale geologists reported Sunday that Asia and America were heading closer together and will collide in a hundred million years. It’s pretty good news. We’re happy to have these jobs coming back home to America but we were hoping for something a little quicker.
President Obama reversed himself on forcing churches to give women contraceptive coverage Friday. He also reversed his opposition to campaign PACs and started one for himself. Back when he lived in Hawaii flip-flops were shoes, now they are career extenders.
The Grammy Awards drew thirty-nine million viewers to the CBS telecast Sunday. It was no surprise to anyone in the television business. You can’t go wrong combining America’s love of music with its morbid fascination for bodies found dead in Los Angeles.
Whitney Houston was mourned at the Grammys Saturday after dying in her bathtub at the Beverly Hilton Hotel. She drifted off high on a combination of anti-depressants, Xanax, Lorazapam, alcohol and Valium. There is no way she left us for a better world than that one.
Iran cut off Internet access Monday preventing Iranians from Tweeting and going on Facebook. Social media will just take another form. From the air Teheran will look like a Roadrunner cartoon, with painted arrows on every roof pointing to the Acme Nuclear Plant.
President Obama got twenty percent of Republican votes in a Friday Gallup poll. It is not that surprising. In four years he’s failed to raise taxes on the rich and he’s played eighty rounds of golf, and that’s all the Northeastern wing of the GOP asks of any president.
Jack Kennedy was named as a lover by his intern Mimi Alford in a book last week. He was also seeing Marilyn Monroe, Anne Meyer, Phyllis McGwire and Judy Exner. Jack Kennedy died of chlamydia in Dallas but the FBI covered it up to make it look like a shooting.
Valentine’s Day was a big day for florists, restaurants and candy makers Tuesday. A few hearts always get broken. Mitt got a lovely call from conservatives thanking him for the candy and flowers, but explaining that they would like to continue seeing other people.
Newt Gingrich told the CPAC convention he’ll replace Social Security with individual retirement accounts if he’s president. It’s high time. Americans have been paying into Social Security for 70 years and there are more old people now than the day it started.
Mitt Romney spoke to CPAC Friday and declared himself severely conservative. The adverb severely is most often used with the words ill and limited and retarded. If he was any prouder to be a conservative he would have described himself as one of the good Germans.
Sarah Palin ripped HBO’s Game Change about her vice presidential race Sunday. They unfairly assert Sarah was in over her head. Under the same circumstances any one of us could have told Katie Couric that Neiman Marcus is the first president of the Philippines.
Donald Trump revealed Friday he’ll build a four-star hotel near the White House. It’s pure Trump. He says the hotel will be taller than the Martin Luther King monument, it’ll be wider than the Washington Monument, with more arm chairs than the Lincoln Memorial.
Cincinnati’s Don High School is paying kids a twenty-five dollar Visa card to show up on time and behave. It’s supposed to teach them adult responsibility. After four years of perfect attendance and model behavior they’ll have enough credit to flip houses in Florida.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 2.15.12

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