Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
N.Y. Giants quarterback Eli Manning won his second Super Bowl Sunday. He’s now got a one Super Bowl edge over brother Peyton. Horse Breeder’s Magazine announced that this May, Archie Manning will become the first non-horse to get a statue at Churchill Downs.
Tim Tebow was mobbed by supermodels trying to get near him at ESPN’s Super Bowl party on Saturday. It had to be tempting. Gamblers watched closely to see if he took to any of them because it could affect the overs-and-unders they post for his next tent meeting.
Pennsylvania began drug testing welfare recipients Monday. Also, Florida’s got a bill that bans people from buying sweets with food stamps. If you want free candy or free drugs in this country, you’ll have to get them the old fashioned way and get in the guy’s car.
People magazine reported that Demi Moore checked out of an L.A. hospital and went to a rehab Sunday to completely clean up. The article said she’ll be staying in a facility where there is no alcohol, no tobacco, no drugs and no caffeine. She checked herself into Utah.
President Obama blamed the Founding Fathers for his inability to force change on America. Now it’s the framers’ fault. He’d like a politically correct, racially diverse and environmental nation but the problem is and always will be, no Romans, no running water.
Great Britain observed the sixtieth anniversary of Queen Elizabeth’s accession to the throne Monday. News reports told the story of how as princess she happened to be in Kenya at the time her father died. A Georgia judge just ruled she is not eligible to be Queen.
Prince William arrived for duty in the Falkland Islands Sunday, causing Argentinians to protest. Thirty years ago they fought over the islands. The Royal Navy sank Argentina’s ship the General Belgrano only to find out the next day it was insured by Lloyd’s of London.
Newt Gingrich vowed to fight on Monday after his crushing Nevada GOP caucus loss Saturday. The size of the loss was surprising. Gingrich expected to do better in Nevada because it’s the home of his two biggest supporters, wedding chapels and all-you can-eat buffets.
Nancy Pelosi stood by President Obama’s decision to require Catholic hospitals to provide condoms. She reminded reporters she’s a San Francisco Catholic. That means the confession booths have bathrooms and refrigerators because people are in there so long.
Mitt Romney won the Nevada GOP caucuses Saturday with a sizeable margin over his rivals. His support is shallow across the board. Forty-percent of the Republicans who voted for Mitt Romney tell Gallup pollsters they really liked him on the Carol Burnett Show.
The U.S. and Britain withdrew ambassadors from Syria Monday and called for Syria’s dictator to step down. The regime is teetering. In the past year both Egypt and Libya have fallen, but if Syria remains standing it will leave President Obama with an open frame.
China negotiated bailing the EU out of its debt crisis Monday but assured the world it has no intention of buying Europe. There’s no defense. NATO was organized to keep Russia out of Europe, but unfortunately the bankruptcy laws are designed to let China invade.
The Moonlight Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada endorsed GOP presidential candidate and libertarian Ron Paul on Saturday. It makes perfect sense. Ron Paul is the only Republican candidate in the race who’s a licensed gynecologist, although Newt dabbles in it.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.8.12

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